I think there are many benefits to being a man. Some of which inspire great jealousy in me - it used to be the biggest one was the convenience of peeing wherever they want to. That's HUGE. If only! Now by far the one I envy the most is the ability to compartmentalize. As women, we stink at this. I can't do it at ALL. I would pay Big Money to be able to compartmentalize. If one area is all wrong, everything is all wrong.
Everything is All Wrong.
All the time.
How do I go on with life as normal without my Daddy? It doesn't seem possible. Life is changed forever. Maybe I'm grieving abnormally or too much or too whatever but I can't not... I feel destroyed. And that's not fair to my kids. Somehow I HAVE to figure out not only how to go on but to be happy again someday. How much of my kids' childhood will be swallowed up by this dark hole? Part of me wants to resist it and part of me wants to dive in. I now have much more compassion for people who deal with depression... I never 'got it' before. A painful break-up in college and some pregnancy/baby blues were the only other times I've felt anything like this (but only a small percentage of this). I'm sucked up into myself, except I keep wanting to call my dad! I would normally describe myself as social, very social, but the thought of it now - having to smile, make small talk, act interested, interesting or funny - makes me cringe. Criiiinge.
I don't even know why I'm writing this. To avoid doing dishes, probably. They're still there. Why do the remotes disappear but not the dishes? Who knew my life would amount to little more than trying and failing to keep the kitchen counters clean? And my mom thought I could be President. Ha.
9 comments:
Best line ever, possibly: "Why do the remotes disappear, but not the dishes?"
My loving question to you (that means my voice sounds tender and kind) is: why are you trying to hurry yourself through this process of grieving? You already know it's not like this all day, every day. You have already experienced little chuckles here and there.(And your family is going to be fine, I promise). There is still plenty of life left in them bones of yours, dear girl. That said, when you're in it, it's like drowning in a pool; it's difficult to see yourself as ever being rescuable or reaching the surface of the waters around you.
"Yay, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...." The valley. He didn't say exactly how long, wide, or deep that valley is. And how it is a valley!
Your Heavenly Father is not weary of your weariness, and neither are we. You are so very loved, Kristi.
May those closest to you and around you (I'll not name names!) give you the grace,mercy, tender care, and time your heart needs to heal.
Take it one hour at a time.
Dear Kristi -
I strongly agree with your friend Kathy. Know that you have a saviour who has savored the darkest hour and who drunk a bitter cup for you, yet at the end of the darkness he came out alive... Mourning can't possibly be easy but you too will come out alive if you trust Him who can do inmesurably more than we can fathom. Let Him be your rock and your comfort. And if I can help or comfort please let me know... I won't expect you to be social.
Oh Kristi....(((hugs))) I think and pray for you every day. Kathy speaks awesome words, as do Mikele and Cristina. I cannot help but echo their thoughts. You will look back on this and realize how far you've come. I'm here for you, just let me know.
just take baby steps and one day at a time. there is no right or wrong way to dealing with grief only what is right for you.
Like you I felt I had to hide my grief and move on. put on a happy face for my family young and old. It worked, for a while and then the walls came crumbling down around me that I had so carefully constructed to protect myself. There are 2 things to remember is,
1) our kids are more resilient than we are when it comes to dealing with emotions.
2) is if we hide our grief from them, who teaches them the best way to cope with it when they are adults?
I am truly sorry for your loss. May time heal the wounds leaving you remembering the times shared with your dad with a smile in your heart♥
I came across your blog and couldn't help but comment. My father just lost his brother and I know it has been a difficult time for him. I have felt such sadness that someone I love must go through such pain. I gave my father something to read and I want share it with you: http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/he-is-risen?lang=eng. It is from a leader in my church and it talks of the resurrection of Christ. Your will see your father again. I know this is true with all my heart. It will take time to heal and overcome the pain. You have every right to mourn, but I know that you will find joy again. I know that your Heavenly Father loves you and will help you find the peace that you are searching for.
Kristi...I just lost my Dad on April 14th, and I can't believe he's gone. Nothing can take his place. I'm sorry your Daddy is gone, too. I hope you are doing better because you have a lovely family who need you.
Warm Hugs,
Linda L
You so telling my story....still wondering why dishes dont disappear...well written...best line...
And my mom thought I could be President
I'm probably not a person you want to hear, since I am a complete and utter stranger... but we all know Presidents don't do dishes, they get someone else to do them in some exponentially bureaucratic way.
I think you're berating yourself far too much-- your father was obviously very influential to you, and he meant a great deal to you... so why feel angry about your grief? Your family, I'm sure, understands how bereaved you are. Let yourself grieve... crying eventually stops, and those who love you and are physically with you will be waiting for you when you're ready.
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